Butterflies In My Tummy!!

True story! After work I'm scheduled to run four miles. I haven't run four miles since October 12, 2013. Actually, that day I ran a 10K and I haven't run more than three miles since. I have a serious mix of emotions of today's run. I'm scared, excited, nervous, happy, frustrated... Oh so so many emotions!

I know it's ridiculous to focus on the past, but I don't have anything else to go by. That last long run was painful! My side hurt almost the entire run and I was slower that I had been every run up to that point. The side pain had overruled my love to run. Looking back at old blog posts, after that race I ran less and less until I just didn't run anymore.

So, here I am, starting all over again. I'm happy to be running again... elated actually. It feels so good to be out doing the one thing I know (outside of hockey) will help me with my stress and just everyday life. I get to join my friends in running conversations - which is about 80% of our conversations now that spring is well on it's way and race registrations are opening up left and right. I'm also frustrated that I'm starting all over again. I worked hard to run faster and farther. Now I'm back to square one. The one helpful part of that is that I'm not alone! I have friends who are starting over or starting new with me and it's such an awesome inspiration.

Tonight I will do what I can. I'm not out to set records. Actually, I erased all of my old runs off of my running apps. I didn't need to keep them. The past is the past. I am on a new path, so I'm starting fresh!

Enough about that! I have two days left in the week and that's cause for celebration! Who doesn't love a short work week?!? I'm also on my own tonight for dinner, so the menu got a little shake up this week. I'm okay with that though, my goal is to eat clean and light the first half of the week since the second half will be a bit more of a struggle. 

I'm frustrated this week. Perfect timing for a long run right?? I'm all bloated, my weight is way up and my darling monthly friend arrived two weeks early. HUH?!? I didn't think my eating was that far off, but maybe my killer weekends are throwing my body for a loop more than I thought. The last time things got off track for my body was over the holidays and I know I was horrible with my eating then! 

Needless to say, I'm cranky, irritable, and well... just plain GRRR! Thankfully I'm not taking it out on others. Just internal turmoil I guess. Kicking myself for my lack of willpower. Unfortunately, you can't buy that in bulk at Sam's Club, so I'll have to figure something out soon! 

I'm sure I've mentioned it a few times, but we start a 40-day Challenge on Monday if anyone is interested. We'll be 100% on THM with no alcohol or cheat days. That will bring us to Memorial Day Weekend. I plan to keep going through the summer because last year having all of those fresh veggies and the beautiful weather helped tremendously.

I see success stories on the THM page and even on other running and weight loss boards that I follow and I realize that if I'd stick with what I know I need to do versus wavering back and forth, I would see that success. I WANT that success!! I know my side pain hasn't gone away completely, but I firmly believe that when I'm 100% on track it helps. Maybe extra gas irritates it? Who knows! I just know that I want to give it my all. Frustration will do that to you!

While I know it is completely ridiculous of me to tell you all that I will be 100% on track over vacation, I will admit to myself that I need to be as on track as I possibly can be to not feel the utter guilt and self-loathing afterward. It's a vicious cycle that I need to break. Overeat, feel crummy, feel bloated, feel guilty and ashamed, eat to feed my feelings, feel worse, get back on track... rinse and repeat. Crazy how it can keep going and going isn't it?? 

Here's what I am doing to prevent that cycle this week... I'm 100% on track since yesterday. I said NO to the three, yes THREE, boxes of donuts that were on the table at this morning's staff meeting. I have been packing my snacks and lunch for work (as usual). I baked some on-the-go snacks for our long weekend of fun and will pre-plan as much as possible. Plus, it'll save us money to not eat every single meal out. Lots and lots and lots and lots of water too! I can do this!!

It's very obvious that my body hates certain things and if I want to make progress, I have to be diligent. If I don't mind this yo-yo game I can keep this up. But in all honesty, I'm sick of losing the same 10 pounds over and over lately. I'd like to play in a new decade of numbers. I'd like to enjoy my clothes again and I would really like to enjoy shopping again. So... 

Okay, enough rambling. Time for my "what I love about my body" for today....

I love my long torso. While I don't love that I carry extra weight right now, I love that I'm long through the trunk to help distribute my thickness a bit better. The catch is that I have short legs, but I already said I love my legs for other reasons. My stomach stays relatively flat and I don't have to battle with a big belly all out front. I carry my weight all over... especially all over my butt! Hee hee! Okay, really though, when I'm on track I love that I can confidently wear more fitting tops because my long midsection thins out faster than anywhere else on my body. For that I'm utterly thankful!

Ooooh, one more thing since I was talking about my midsection. Two of my oldest, bestest friends and I have been participating in a plank challenge this month. Today we were up to a minute and I did great! Minimal shaking. Compared to when I did a challenge like this a few years ago, I have far more core strength. YAY ME!!!!