T'was The Night Before The Night Before Christmas

Well, the day before anyway...

It really is baffling at times how fast a year can pass by. It may just start by wanting the work week to hurry up so you can get to the weekend, or a couple of weeks to hurry up so you can get to a vacation, but then POOF! Another new year is knocking at our door. I laugh because some days seem to take an eternity. An hour seems to take three. Then all of a sudden I'm looking at the calendar asking where the past two months have gone! POOF!

I know the next few days of Christmas festivities will be one of those POOF moments, but I will do my best to soak it all up... Every smile, every giggle, every squeal. The kids' reactions too! *hee hee* Our Christmas plans are a little jumbled from what we had originally planned, but we will still see lots of family over a three day period. 

Ten years ago I pretty much dreaded Christmas. I wanted to hole myself up in my house and wallow in self-pity. I didn't want to be surrounded by the babies and toddlers who were a part of our families. I loved my nieces and nephews, but I couldn't bear to be around them. But, that wasn't me. I put on my best smile and joined in all of the festivities - family gathering after family gathering - received slobbery kisses and snuggly baby and toddler hugs. I adored those babies and kids, but my heart had shattered more and more with each holiday over the past five years, especially at Christmas, as we checked off another year without a baby of our own.

Ten years ago I faced it all because I had hope again. I remember it so well, the absolute elation when I looked at the services my new job's insurance would cover. Right there in black and white was my miracle. My insurance would cover in-vitro fertilization procedures at 100%, but would only cover the drugs needed for it at 50%. The expense of one round of IVF was about $25,000. With this insurance we would pay $2,000 tops. There was a catch though... The company was being sold and the insurance would cease to exist within the next six months. It would be a hard time frame, but it was possible.

That Christmas ten years ago was the last one I celebrated with a broken heart. On December 8, 2011 I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Emmy Lou - the same day my youngest niece was born! I remember sitting in the hospital holding her that day and felt like I was going to burst with happiness and worry. I had had a miscarriage earlier that year after our first fresh IVF cycle, so I knew things could turn bad fast. I realized, while holding that bitty little pink bundle, that she was the first baby I held who didn't chip off one more piece of my horrible broken heart. No one else in the room knew my news, but I told my niece in a quiet whisper that she was going to have a baby cousin to play with. I *knew* things would turn out okay. Nine months later, almost to the day, she got that baby cousin to play with and my biggest wish came true - I was a mommy!

Then POOF!

Three Christmases later I was starting to get a big belly with Abbycakes and I cried at EVERY. SINGLE. CHRISTMAS SONG! Can we say hormonal?!? 

Two Christmases later I was packing boxes and baskets and moving them to my parents' house while putting on a smile for my two beautiful miracles. We had agreed not to ruin their Christmas and would live together until after the first of the year. I made sure there was no sadness in that Christmas. I had my babies and I knew we'd be fine.

Now here we are... This is The Hubby's and my fourth Christmas together. Our kids are celebrating their third together, but our second as an official family of six. This one holiday holds so many different memories and feelings, but most of them are happy now and I am so excited to celebrate with all of our kids together this year!

My heart aches for those who are hurting this time of the year - due to loss, shattered dreams, absent family members, loss of jobs, sicknesses, damaged relationships, whatever the reason. I know how painful this time of year can be for someone who is hurting, but I also know how wonderful it can be for someone who has found joy in their lives. 

The Hubby asked me a couple of months ago what I wanted for Christmas this year. I mostly shrugged and threw out a couple of ideas. The thing is... it hit me this week, I don't want anything for Christmas. (Although I know he bought me stuff, just as I did for him.) I'm good. I have him, I have my two miracles, I have two additional blessings who fill our house with giggles and drawings for the refrigerator. I have a great job, an amazing and healthy family, I have awesome friends. We have a place we call home. I don't want any THING for Christmas. 

I do want more people to find happiness this year - more blessings to be offered to them. I want more miracles to be seen. I want less hurt and anger and fear. I also want understanding... people who feel hurt, angry and afraid may not show it or tell it, so I want for everyone to show peace and understanding for Christmas. 

I've been trying to be more understanding and patient this week... especially at work. Many people have problems I couldn't even begin to understand. I know people outside of my tight group of trusted individuals had no idea the pain I felt at Christmas all those years ago as I was told time and time again that I may never have children. Most people don't want to take others down with them. So, I'll be extra patient with my frustrated client who is yelling at me or crying on the phone out of frustration. It may have nothing to do with what I'm telling them, or it may be just one more thing on their list of things that suck this year. I just try to help with what I can help with.

So... Merry Christmas Eve Eve Everyone! Be safe, be happy and be patient! Christmas may be the best day on earth for some, while it may be the worst day of the year for others. Don't forget to smile at those you pass by... who knows, maybe it'll be contagious and help stop the tears that were just about to spill over for the person you just smiled at!