The Blog Post Without A Name
I really tried to figure out how to title this post without being negative. It was harder than you think. I'm trying so hard not to let this bad mood really take hold. I'm not sure I'm being all that successful.
Honestly, this is about how I'm feeling today. (Courtesy of Emmy Lou in her younger days.)
With that, I feel I must preface this post by saying that I rant and I go on and on, but I needed to vent. I'm sorry to those who follow my blog and are sick of hearing about this particular topic.
I've been in utter denial this week. I've felt the pain in my side, but I've been hoping so hard that it is just leftover rib pain from coughing and pneumonia I battled the second half of last month. No such luck. Today it's glaringly obvious because it is raging!! It's not just the aching pain today; it's the stabbing pain with the hot lava feeling down my side. FUN TIMES!!!
I called my pain doc this morning and updated them. I'm waiting on a call back from him or his nurse to find out what the next step is. I shouldn't hear "we're out of options" from them just yet, as we did discuss a CT scan as an option at my last appointment. I'm not sure if he handles the results for that, if I get passed to a different doctor, or if I may get sent back to my general practitioner for scheduling and results. I guess I'll wait and see.
I can remember the first run where the pain took over and I couldn't handle it anymore. I ended up turning around about a mile into a five mile run and walked back home completely frustrated. That was mid-July 2012. I had actually been dealing with the pain for about a month prior to that, but that was when it actually affected my running. Want to know the craziest part? I had played hockey in a tournament in April of that year and wasn't bothered one bit by it! HUH?!?! How is that possible?
Actually, I was able to run the half marathon that fall by working through the pain and even played again the following April in another hockey tournament. Want to talk about extreme cardio!?! It bothered me, but I was able to get through it. Unfortunately, that summer was when things started to get worse. Running really started to aggravate it.
I ran 10 races in 2013. I refused to give up! By June of that year I had a race where it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was positive I wasn't going to make it across the finish line. When I did, my friends wanted to take me to the paramedics. I told them I just needed to rest and it would subside. It did. From there, I walked through a big part of each of the races I had left that year. Even then, it hurt. It kept getting worse and worse. Hockey was completely out of the question and in 2014 and 2015 I ran three total races, with my girls, fighting the pain the entire way.
What happened in spring of 2012?!?
I've spent HOURS upon HOURS scouring the internet, trying to find something, anything that would help me get an answer. Talking with my sister, I listed it all out today... I've had an x-ray, an MRI, a HIDA scan (gallbladder test), a lung chamber test, several blood draws, two pain shots (one in my rib and one in my spine), physical therapy and six medical professionals trying to figure me out. How do we not have an answer yet?
To say I'm feeling frustrated and defeated and a massive understatement. I knew it would be hard as spring came around again and I started seeing more running posts and race announcements. I've been more and more limited each year. I'm almost scared to get out on my road bike this year since biking was starting to bother me by fall last year. Trust me... if I could suck it up and push through it, I would in a heartbeat. The pain becomes too unbearable and you can't really "double over" in pain on a bike.
So I wait and hope and pray. I know there are people out there with far worse problems and I wonder how they do it. Then I realize they do it because they have to and my heart goes out to them! I know I would handle it all much better if I could get a diagnosis. I'd be crushed if they told me that I couldn't ever run or skate again, but if someone could tell me what this is and how to treat it so I don't have to deal with daily pain, I would be super happy! I'm not super hopeful for a cure at this point... I just want answers!!!
Oh well, nothing I can fix today and I'm really trying to not get completely sucked under by it all today. Tonight is Ladies Night. This morning my girls sent me off with hugs and kisses and I know I'll get more, much needed, hugs and kisses when I pick them up for karate after work today.
My family is the reason I keep fighting and looking for an answer. I want to be able to run a race with them and not feel miserable. I want to not be crabby and irritable all of the time due to the constant pain day after day.
So, I'll keep fighting... I'll keep my dream of The Hubby and I running a triathlon and/or a half marathon together. I'll keep the dream of all six of us running a race or a fun run together pain free. I'll keep the dream of joining my friends at the starting line and enjoying a race together again. And I'll keep my dream of being able to do the things I love and miss again.
I refuse to give up... These two won't let me (along with the other three at home, but Abby asked me to take a pic of the three of us this morning)!
ETA - I couldn't resist coming back to add this to this particular post. I no sooner shared this post on Facebook and scrolled down to find these little words of wisdom. Funny enough, I found a bit of peace in them. Everything else in my life has happened when it was meant to, no matter how frustrating. I'm sure this will be no different.
Honestly, this is about how I'm feeling today. (Courtesy of Emmy Lou in her younger days.)
With that, I feel I must preface this post by saying that I rant and I go on and on, but I needed to vent. I'm sorry to those who follow my blog and are sick of hearing about this particular topic.
I've been in utter denial this week. I've felt the pain in my side, but I've been hoping so hard that it is just leftover rib pain from coughing and pneumonia I battled the second half of last month. No such luck. Today it's glaringly obvious because it is raging!! It's not just the aching pain today; it's the stabbing pain with the hot lava feeling down my side. FUN TIMES!!!
I called my pain doc this morning and updated them. I'm waiting on a call back from him or his nurse to find out what the next step is. I shouldn't hear "we're out of options" from them just yet, as we did discuss a CT scan as an option at my last appointment. I'm not sure if he handles the results for that, if I get passed to a different doctor, or if I may get sent back to my general practitioner for scheduling and results. I guess I'll wait and see.
I can remember the first run where the pain took over and I couldn't handle it anymore. I ended up turning around about a mile into a five mile run and walked back home completely frustrated. That was mid-July 2012. I had actually been dealing with the pain for about a month prior to that, but that was when it actually affected my running. Want to know the craziest part? I had played hockey in a tournament in April of that year and wasn't bothered one bit by it! HUH?!?! How is that possible?
Actually, I was able to run the half marathon that fall by working through the pain and even played again the following April in another hockey tournament. Want to talk about extreme cardio!?! It bothered me, but I was able to get through it. Unfortunately, that summer was when things started to get worse. Running really started to aggravate it.
I ran 10 races in 2013. I refused to give up! By June of that year I had a race where it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was positive I wasn't going to make it across the finish line. When I did, my friends wanted to take me to the paramedics. I told them I just needed to rest and it would subside. It did. From there, I walked through a big part of each of the races I had left that year. Even then, it hurt. It kept getting worse and worse. Hockey was completely out of the question and in 2014 and 2015 I ran three total races, with my girls, fighting the pain the entire way.
What happened in spring of 2012?!?
I've spent HOURS upon HOURS scouring the internet, trying to find something, anything that would help me get an answer. Talking with my sister, I listed it all out today... I've had an x-ray, an MRI, a HIDA scan (gallbladder test), a lung chamber test, several blood draws, two pain shots (one in my rib and one in my spine), physical therapy and six medical professionals trying to figure me out. How do we not have an answer yet?
To say I'm feeling frustrated and defeated and a massive understatement. I knew it would be hard as spring came around again and I started seeing more running posts and race announcements. I've been more and more limited each year. I'm almost scared to get out on my road bike this year since biking was starting to bother me by fall last year. Trust me... if I could suck it up and push through it, I would in a heartbeat. The pain becomes too unbearable and you can't really "double over" in pain on a bike.
So I wait and hope and pray. I know there are people out there with far worse problems and I wonder how they do it. Then I realize they do it because they have to and my heart goes out to them! I know I would handle it all much better if I could get a diagnosis. I'd be crushed if they told me that I couldn't ever run or skate again, but if someone could tell me what this is and how to treat it so I don't have to deal with daily pain, I would be super happy! I'm not super hopeful for a cure at this point... I just want answers!!!
Oh well, nothing I can fix today and I'm really trying to not get completely sucked under by it all today. Tonight is Ladies Night. This morning my girls sent me off with hugs and kisses and I know I'll get more, much needed, hugs and kisses when I pick them up for karate after work today.
My family is the reason I keep fighting and looking for an answer. I want to be able to run a race with them and not feel miserable. I want to not be crabby and irritable all of the time due to the constant pain day after day.
So, I'll keep fighting... I'll keep my dream of The Hubby and I running a triathlon and/or a half marathon together. I'll keep the dream of all six of us running a race or a fun run together pain free. I'll keep the dream of joining my friends at the starting line and enjoying a race together again. And I'll keep my dream of being able to do the things I love and miss again.
I refuse to give up... These two won't let me (along with the other three at home, but Abby asked me to take a pic of the three of us this morning)!
ETA - I couldn't resist coming back to add this to this particular post. I no sooner shared this post on Facebook and scrolled down to find these little words of wisdom. Funny enough, I found a bit of peace in them. Everything else in my life has happened when it was meant to, no matter how frustrating. I'm sure this will be no different.
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