Therapy on the Blog Day

I apologize ahead of time if I ramble in this post. I really wanted to title this one Throwback Thursday, but when I finished I realize I just unloaded on you guys. Skip if you like, but I needed this!

I'm still not 100% me today. I am cranky and off. Like I told my best friend yesterday, once I get a few things off of my plate I know I'll feel much better. I hope! This weekend I'll get the girls' Halloween costumes done and hopefully gather the supplies for everyone else's. We have quite the variety of costumes this year! Once I know we are all set for Trick or Treat, I will be more relaxed. The rest of the stress and frustration... well, that's just pure internalization, so I'll just keep working through it. Karate helps, but this week has been chaos, so I missed class on Tuesday and Wednesday and tonight isn't looking good either. Tomorrow I'll go. I NEED to go.

So, I'm frustrated. That seems to be the topic of my posts this week. It happens. So a friend suggested I look back through old pictures. I may be stalled out with my weight loss right now, but I have come a LONG way. The past five years I have been working hard to better myself, improve my health and help heal my body from treating it like it doesn't matter for too many years. I've faltered along the way. I've gained some weight back during periods of overindulgence. But do you know what?? I have transformed myself! Not just in physical form either. I think that's why I'm bothered so much by how I've been feeling the last couple of weeks. This used to be how I felt all of the time. That was in another life though. I haven't felt this grumbly for this long in a very long time. As a flipped through pictures I could see the transformation... not in my body, but in my eyes. They got brighter and brighter as these past five years have passed. I found a way to be happy with me - not with those around me, with my kids or with my partner... with ME!

Since my original plan was Throwback Thursday I came up with an idea. First, do you know how hard it is to find "before" pictures of myself?? Long before I became a photographer I was THE photographer. I hated being in front of the camera, so I stayed behind it. It wasn't until I got the courage to change my life that I also changed that mindset, but then I was the only one who could work the camera. Okay, my oldest tried, but then she wasn't in the pic. So, selfies were an awesome invention for me! Anyway, here's my progress and a reason for me to tell myself to buck up and move on. I have done awesome and I will battle through this dark cloud. I've battled far worse! Here goes nothing...

First I'll start with a current pic...

September 2015

Now I'll show you the transition...

September 2010 - Yes, that's me on the far left with my awesome S & L!! Abby had come earlier this year and I was completely and utterly unhappy with my life, but I had the bestest friends in the whole world who were my rocks.

Sprint 2012 - My mom and a good friend... these two are awesome running buddies! St. Patty's Day 1 miler. I was just starting to find my way here. Life had changed so quickly, but I was finding happiness all around me.

The picture above was taken after I had changed everything in January 2012 - my life, my address, my habits, I started running regularly... The results were amazing, but it was just the beginning.

October 2013 - More awesome running buddies and more progress! I was running, I had an amazing relationship, I had found myself again. Life was good!

October 2014 - DANG! My hubby's rocking this healthy lifestyle! I'm so proud of him! Here's a before pic of him. You can see I gained a bit of weight back since the last pic and I'm hiding under layers of clothes. You can't see my eyes here, but regardless of weight, I was glowing on the inside! We were newlyweds!! 

Now back to the beginning...

Sometimes you just need to step back and really SEE how it is and not just go with how you THINK it is. I'll admit that it's still hard to have a good self-image. I still go reach for XL shirts out of habit, I critque all of my rolls and cellulite and find the flaws in my body or mind, and I pick myself apart when I'm in a mood. The proof is in the pictures. None of these photos have been edited, so they are the full truth. They show a woman who has changed and improved. I'm not saying a smaller body is the main improvement either. I'm saying that my mental state has improved. I'm happy (most of the time *wink*) and I have learned to put myself first sometimes without feeling like I'm being utterly selfish for doing so. I have improved my health. The numbers on the lab results don't lie. I have made major progress! I need to remember that and not let a bad day or week get me down.

The walk down memory lane really helped. I don't ever want to go back to the place I was before. I don't even mean how I looked, just how I felt on the inside. I like being happy. I prefer to be happy. I have great friends and family, I have a good job, I'm relatively healthy and can do most things I want to do, I have amazing kids and a wonderful husband. My life is good. It doesn't matter what the scale says. That's not my life.

So, tonight I will take my oldest to karate, I'll take my little one with me and we will go meet up with a beautiful friend of mine from high school and her growing family and take some pictures. Then I will spend the evening focusing on my daughter. It's amazing how a five year old's outlook on life can brighten everything! Tomorrow I will go to work for the day and then I will shake it all off... EVERYTHING from the week. I'll just shake like a duck getting out of the water and leave it all behind. I'll enjoy my hubby and the kids we have home for the weekend, I'll work on my to-do list, and I will work on myself. By Monday I will be back to me and THAT picture will show the real me... Happy, bright eyed and ready to take on the world because that's who I am. Bring on the next challenge right?? No more gumblies!