Day 25 of 28 - Oh How I Miss Having An Outlet
First, I'll preface this by telling you all that this is a vent post. I just need to get it all out, so forgive me for being a bit of a Debbie Downer today. I would kill to go for a run and relieve some stress, but then I wouldn't need this post!
Before I get too far into it, I'll highlight the good stuff!
Only three days left of my initial challenge, but day two of our Lent Challenge. Yes, I'm doing it with Emmy Lou and we're off to a good start. She had a great first day. I'm so proud of her. We had a Girl Scout meeting after work yesterday and the girl who had the snack bag brought ginormous sugar cookies with Valentine's sprinkles on them. They looked fantastic. Emmy Lou said no thank you when she was offered one. Then she asked me to read the label on the fruit cups to see if she could have one of those and she could, so she was happy as a clam! She also at the Skinny Peanut Butter Cups that I brought for her as a sweet treat.
Both The Hubby and I asked her if she was positive she had gotten enough to eat that day. She said she had, so we packed a similar lunch and snacks today for school. This morning she had a Peanut Butter Cup smoothie with the changes to the smoothie base that I mentioned yesterday and she loved it! She actually got full with some left, so she gave the rest to Abbycakes. She made her little sister's day!
Look at all of those boxes!! We also got our big order of Girl Scout cookies yesterday, so we all have cookies staring us down. Abbycakes ate the first one and gave us a thumbs up approval. About an hour later she came into the kitchen and told me she knows what she wants to give up for Lent this year. I figured she would say one of her stuffies or something. Nope. She volunteered to give up chocolate treats. It took her a solid 15 minutes before it hit her, "Oh no! Now I can't have any of the Girl Scout cookies until after Easter!" She's no dummy! I reminded her that she has the same rules as Sissy, with Sundays off, so she can have cookies then. That apparently solidified her decision, so she has a chocolate-less lunch today.
I'll let you in on a little secret... Abbycakes is not a big chocolate eater to begin with, but I'm glad she is participating and thinking about things to give up for Lent and why. Bonus points for making a solid effort!
So, onto my vent. If you've stuck around this far, thanks!
I know I've talked about my side pain before. I've been dealing with it for over 3 1/2 years now. I've had several blood tests, an ultrasound, x-rays, gallbladder tests, an MRI, physical therapy, myofacial therapy, several different meds and several different doctors... none of them have touched the pain in my side or come up with a diagnosis.
I see the pain specialist again on Monday and I'll be honest... I'm losing hope, but feeling utterly desperate for SOMETHING. Daily pain sucks, but I can manage. Being almost non-active due to unbearable pain is something that is creating quite an issue for me. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, nervous, stressed, you name it!
I have hopes and dreams of running races again. I want to run with my friends and my family again so badly I ache. If I could never run races again, I could manage, but it would break my heart. Problem is... it's not just running. I can't play hockey anymore. I can hardly play softball because running the bases has me doubled over. I'd love to play broomball again, but that's completely out of the question. Home workout videos? Forget it... anything cardio has me in tears within 10-15 minutes.
But I have karate right?? Yes and no. I do very well in karate if it stays low key. As soon as we ramp up the tempo and kick for one minute intervals, or spar for 90 seconds at a time... within 10 minutes the pain has me sidelined. I watch the Muay Thai classes and wish I could try them, but know that I wouldn't last through their warm up.
I'm not a weenie. I have a pretty high pain tolerance. If I'm complaining, it is because it's pretty intense and not just a slight annoyance. I deal with slight annoyance pain every day. I refuse to take regularly scheduled doses of ibuprofen to try to stay on top of it. I'll just end up with issues with my guts on top of my other pain!
I'm not making it up... although I'm starting to worry that professionals will refer me to a psychological doc instead of a neurological doc.
Just sitting here I feel a constant stabbing ache under my right ribs. No matter how I move or sit, it doesn't subside. Once in a while it will calm down for a few hours, or even a couple of days. Then there are days when I'm sitting in my office and the pain is so annoying and uncomfortable, just sitting here. Like a side stitch gone bad - that stabbing sensation under those same ribs that might wrap around toward the back of my rib cage. The pain is too high to dig my fingers up there to massage it, but I'll still try. Nothing relieves it. Pain meds don't do much, so why take them? Laying down doesn't make much difference. Nothing really makes it better, but there is one thing that makes it ohhh, so much worse!
Sneezing! Sneezing hurts like hell! Coughing will intensify an already there pain, but sneezing is pure torture!
I've scoured the internet over and over again. I use different key words... pain under right rib, pain like side stitch, upper right quadrant pain, side pain and Raynaud's syndrome, side pain and joint pain, etc. etc. etc. Maybe all of my issues need to be looked at together?? I have arthritis in my knees and shoulders. I have Raynaud's Syndrome (my feet and fingers will go numb and turn completely white). Then there's this stupid side pain that has gotten worse and worse over the years. Crazy enough... there are a lot of similar stories to mine, but no real answers. The mystery continues!
So, I'll go to my appointment with the pain specialist. Last October we discussed a CT scan if the shots he gave me didn't work. Well, they didn't. So, on to the next step. The medication he gave me to take daily didn't work, but they sure made me tired! I could just sleep through the pain. The back brace he gave me didn't help, but made me uncomfortable on top of the pain!
I know they are grasping at straws at this point, but once he tells me he doesn't know what it is, then what? I'm 36 years old and can never be active enough to get my heart rate up to a cardio level again without pain that cannot be pushed through and pretty much brings me to my knees? I'm just not ready to accept that, but I don't know what other options I'll have at this point.
There you have it... a little glimpse into my head this week. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I'm moody as hell and my poor hubby and kids are paying the price. I'm trying to put it on the back burner, but it's hard and getting harder.
For someone who used to play 2-3 sports per season and has used sports/activity as an outlet all her adult life... this is killing me slowly. I need to be active. I need the outlet for my mental health. I need the activity for my physical health and I need to be able to play with my kids. I know... it could be so so much worse, but right now, for me... this is hard to deal with. It's been over three years and I'm really no closer to making peace with it. I'm trying, really I am. I just often feel like I'm failing miserably.
Anyway... onto happier things! This weekend is Valentine's Day and I have a day of fun planned for The Hubby and I. I don't know which is more fun: having plans, or torturing him by not telling him what they are?! No worries, there will be pictures and I'll update on Monday. I'm also going to take my girls out for an early date on Saturday since they are with their dad on Sunday. My dad always did something special for me when I was a kid, I love passing along that tradition. Since I don't want to give them candy, we'll go on a date instead! I can't wait!
Happy Day Before Friday!! The weekend is in the air (cold as it may be)!
Before I get too far into it, I'll highlight the good stuff!
Only three days left of my initial challenge, but day two of our Lent Challenge. Yes, I'm doing it with Emmy Lou and we're off to a good start. She had a great first day. I'm so proud of her. We had a Girl Scout meeting after work yesterday and the girl who had the snack bag brought ginormous sugar cookies with Valentine's sprinkles on them. They looked fantastic. Emmy Lou said no thank you when she was offered one. Then she asked me to read the label on the fruit cups to see if she could have one of those and she could, so she was happy as a clam! She also at the Skinny Peanut Butter Cups that I brought for her as a sweet treat.
Both The Hubby and I asked her if she was positive she had gotten enough to eat that day. She said she had, so we packed a similar lunch and snacks today for school. This morning she had a Peanut Butter Cup smoothie with the changes to the smoothie base that I mentioned yesterday and she loved it! She actually got full with some left, so she gave the rest to Abbycakes. She made her little sister's day!
Look at all of those boxes!! We also got our big order of Girl Scout cookies yesterday, so we all have cookies staring us down. Abbycakes ate the first one and gave us a thumbs up approval. About an hour later she came into the kitchen and told me she knows what she wants to give up for Lent this year. I figured she would say one of her stuffies or something. Nope. She volunteered to give up chocolate treats. It took her a solid 15 minutes before it hit her, "Oh no! Now I can't have any of the Girl Scout cookies until after Easter!" She's no dummy! I reminded her that she has the same rules as Sissy, with Sundays off, so she can have cookies then. That apparently solidified her decision, so she has a chocolate-less lunch today.
I'll let you in on a little secret... Abbycakes is not a big chocolate eater to begin with, but I'm glad she is participating and thinking about things to give up for Lent and why. Bonus points for making a solid effort!
So, onto my vent. If you've stuck around this far, thanks!
I know I've talked about my side pain before. I've been dealing with it for over 3 1/2 years now. I've had several blood tests, an ultrasound, x-rays, gallbladder tests, an MRI, physical therapy, myofacial therapy, several different meds and several different doctors... none of them have touched the pain in my side or come up with a diagnosis.
I see the pain specialist again on Monday and I'll be honest... I'm losing hope, but feeling utterly desperate for SOMETHING. Daily pain sucks, but I can manage. Being almost non-active due to unbearable pain is something that is creating quite an issue for me. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, nervous, stressed, you name it!
I have hopes and dreams of running races again. I want to run with my friends and my family again so badly I ache. If I could never run races again, I could manage, but it would break my heart. Problem is... it's not just running. I can't play hockey anymore. I can hardly play softball because running the bases has me doubled over. I'd love to play broomball again, but that's completely out of the question. Home workout videos? Forget it... anything cardio has me in tears within 10-15 minutes.
But I have karate right?? Yes and no. I do very well in karate if it stays low key. As soon as we ramp up the tempo and kick for one minute intervals, or spar for 90 seconds at a time... within 10 minutes the pain has me sidelined. I watch the Muay Thai classes and wish I could try them, but know that I wouldn't last through their warm up.
I'm not a weenie. I have a pretty high pain tolerance. If I'm complaining, it is because it's pretty intense and not just a slight annoyance. I deal with slight annoyance pain every day. I refuse to take regularly scheduled doses of ibuprofen to try to stay on top of it. I'll just end up with issues with my guts on top of my other pain!
I'm not making it up... although I'm starting to worry that professionals will refer me to a psychological doc instead of a neurological doc.
Just sitting here I feel a constant stabbing ache under my right ribs. No matter how I move or sit, it doesn't subside. Once in a while it will calm down for a few hours, or even a couple of days. Then there are days when I'm sitting in my office and the pain is so annoying and uncomfortable, just sitting here. Like a side stitch gone bad - that stabbing sensation under those same ribs that might wrap around toward the back of my rib cage. The pain is too high to dig my fingers up there to massage it, but I'll still try. Nothing relieves it. Pain meds don't do much, so why take them? Laying down doesn't make much difference. Nothing really makes it better, but there is one thing that makes it ohhh, so much worse!
Sneezing! Sneezing hurts like hell! Coughing will intensify an already there pain, but sneezing is pure torture!
I've scoured the internet over and over again. I use different key words... pain under right rib, pain like side stitch, upper right quadrant pain, side pain and Raynaud's syndrome, side pain and joint pain, etc. etc. etc. Maybe all of my issues need to be looked at together?? I have arthritis in my knees and shoulders. I have Raynaud's Syndrome (my feet and fingers will go numb and turn completely white). Then there's this stupid side pain that has gotten worse and worse over the years. Crazy enough... there are a lot of similar stories to mine, but no real answers. The mystery continues!
So, I'll go to my appointment with the pain specialist. Last October we discussed a CT scan if the shots he gave me didn't work. Well, they didn't. So, on to the next step. The medication he gave me to take daily didn't work, but they sure made me tired! I could just sleep through the pain. The back brace he gave me didn't help, but made me uncomfortable on top of the pain!
I know they are grasping at straws at this point, but once he tells me he doesn't know what it is, then what? I'm 36 years old and can never be active enough to get my heart rate up to a cardio level again without pain that cannot be pushed through and pretty much brings me to my knees? I'm just not ready to accept that, but I don't know what other options I'll have at this point.
There you have it... a little glimpse into my head this week. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I'm moody as hell and my poor hubby and kids are paying the price. I'm trying to put it on the back burner, but it's hard and getting harder.
For someone who used to play 2-3 sports per season and has used sports/activity as an outlet all her adult life... this is killing me slowly. I need to be active. I need the outlet for my mental health. I need the activity for my physical health and I need to be able to play with my kids. I know... it could be so so much worse, but right now, for me... this is hard to deal with. It's been over three years and I'm really no closer to making peace with it. I'm trying, really I am. I just often feel like I'm failing miserably.
Anyway... onto happier things! This weekend is Valentine's Day and I have a day of fun planned for The Hubby and I. I don't know which is more fun: having plans, or torturing him by not telling him what they are?! No worries, there will be pictures and I'll update on Monday. I'm also going to take my girls out for an early date on Saturday since they are with their dad on Sunday. My dad always did something special for me when I was a kid, I love passing along that tradition. Since I don't want to give them candy, we'll go on a date instead! I can't wait!
Happy Day Before Friday!! The weekend is in the air (cold as it may be)!
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