Those Days The Scale Is Your Friend...
There really are days where I don't feel like throwing that evil, little, beastly, electronic torture device through my bathroom window. Most of my life those days have been few and far between. Then I started Trim Healthy Mama and I slowly started to change my feelings toward my arch nemesis. Of course, true to it's relationship history with me, the little beastie tried to stir up trouble again the past couple of months, but I think we've finally called a truce! This is the third week in a row that I'm down on the scale. Yes, my official weigh in isn't until tomorrow, but I have no intentions of doing anything to halt my progress.
It's actually kind of crazy. I haven't seen a number this low on the scale since my early 20's. As we all know, I'm closer to my 40's than my 20's, so I had pretty much just accepted that I would live my life on the heavier side of normal. Heck, I've spent almost all of my adult life much heavier than the heavier side, so any weight loss was going to be considered a success in my eyes. The more the number on the scale drops, the more my clothes sizes go down... the smaller (such an odd word for me to use in regards to my own body) I get, the more I find myself accepting that this truly is for real! It's hard to find that acceptance as there are still often times of doubt after having spent the better portion of my life overweight. I'm having to make sure that I make changes inside, especially mentally, at the same time I'm making external changes, or these changes could all end up being a waste of time and energy.
Reality is, spending most of my life on the overweight side of the "weight by age" list I ended up with not only extra weight, but a pretty bad self-image, a self-sabatoging mentality and the little voice of self doubt inside my head that is much louder than any other voice in there! For those of you who have seen the movie Inside Out... My body has been ruled by Fear, Anger, Sadness and Disgust while Joy ended up being the quieter one of the bunch as the years went by. (By the way, if you haven't seen that movie, do it! It is beyond cute!!) I can honestly say that repairing the inside is actually a lot harder than fixing the outside. It takes a lot more effort and there's no "program" that just heals it all. A part of me wonders if I'll ever really be able to overcome the damage I've done to myself over the years. It's no secret that people are self-critical. We are really hard on ourselves. We pick out flaws in our body, or our actions, that most people would never pick up on. We are our own worst critics. The first step is admitting it right??
So, while I'm still working on toning up my body, dropping a couple more pounds, fitting into smaller clothes.. whatever the results of this healthy lifestyle may be, my new goal is self acceptance. Quieting down the voice that says, "You'll never stick with this." or "Why try? The weight will just come back on and then some. It always has" is as important of a number on the scale - probably more so. There's a certain fear that comes with a success that you have been striving for for years. I need to work on that fear. I need to work on accepting a certain level of failure, and seeing that it doesn't mean absolute failure while applauding each success. I need to look in the mirror... REALLY look in the mirror and see past the cellulite, the stretch marks, the arm fat... whatever, and see the full transformation, not just the physical one.
I've learned to give myself a bit of grace over the years - not with weight loss, but with being a mom, being an adult, non-weight goals I've set for myself. I have to find a way to give myself that same grace with my health. My true goal is to find a way to be happy with myself and love my body no matter what. I have always envied people who could do that. My biggest fear is that I will never be satisfied. I'll reach a goal weight and still find "issues", or I'll fit into a smaller size and still see legs that are too big or belly chub that I'm ashamed of. I want to find a way to love me for me - love me for who my kids see or who my husband sees - so I can teach my girls to love their bodies the same way so they don't end up battling this same issue in their mid-30's. That's doable right?
So, today the scale is my friend. I'm in a good mood and I'm wearing all smaller clothes. I'm squashing that voice in my head that says, "Yeah, but you still have a lot of toning to do," because although that may be true, I look better than I did 4 1/2 months ago and I FEEL better than I did 4 1/2 months ago. In the end... that beastly electronic torture device and the negative voice in my head can all just go jump off a cliff (without me, of course)... and never come back. I am who I am... I need to let Joy take the reigns for a while. About 50 or so more years would be good don't you think?
It's actually kind of crazy. I haven't seen a number this low on the scale since my early 20's. As we all know, I'm closer to my 40's than my 20's, so I had pretty much just accepted that I would live my life on the heavier side of normal. Heck, I've spent almost all of my adult life much heavier than the heavier side, so any weight loss was going to be considered a success in my eyes. The more the number on the scale drops, the more my clothes sizes go down... the smaller (such an odd word for me to use in regards to my own body) I get, the more I find myself accepting that this truly is for real! It's hard to find that acceptance as there are still often times of doubt after having spent the better portion of my life overweight. I'm having to make sure that I make changes inside, especially mentally, at the same time I'm making external changes, or these changes could all end up being a waste of time and energy.
Reality is, spending most of my life on the overweight side of the "weight by age" list I ended up with not only extra weight, but a pretty bad self-image, a self-sabatoging mentality and the little voice of self doubt inside my head that is much louder than any other voice in there! For those of you who have seen the movie Inside Out... My body has been ruled by Fear, Anger, Sadness and Disgust while Joy ended up being the quieter one of the bunch as the years went by. (By the way, if you haven't seen that movie, do it! It is beyond cute!!) I can honestly say that repairing the inside is actually a lot harder than fixing the outside. It takes a lot more effort and there's no "program" that just heals it all. A part of me wonders if I'll ever really be able to overcome the damage I've done to myself over the years. It's no secret that people are self-critical. We are really hard on ourselves. We pick out flaws in our body, or our actions, that most people would never pick up on. We are our own worst critics. The first step is admitting it right??
So, while I'm still working on toning up my body, dropping a couple more pounds, fitting into smaller clothes.. whatever the results of this healthy lifestyle may be, my new goal is self acceptance. Quieting down the voice that says, "You'll never stick with this." or "Why try? The weight will just come back on and then some. It always has" is as important of a number on the scale - probably more so. There's a certain fear that comes with a success that you have been striving for for years. I need to work on that fear. I need to work on accepting a certain level of failure, and seeing that it doesn't mean absolute failure while applauding each success. I need to look in the mirror... REALLY look in the mirror and see past the cellulite, the stretch marks, the arm fat... whatever, and see the full transformation, not just the physical one.
I've learned to give myself a bit of grace over the years - not with weight loss, but with being a mom, being an adult, non-weight goals I've set for myself. I have to find a way to give myself that same grace with my health. My true goal is to find a way to be happy with myself and love my body no matter what. I have always envied people who could do that. My biggest fear is that I will never be satisfied. I'll reach a goal weight and still find "issues", or I'll fit into a smaller size and still see legs that are too big or belly chub that I'm ashamed of. I want to find a way to love me for me - love me for who my kids see or who my husband sees - so I can teach my girls to love their bodies the same way so they don't end up battling this same issue in their mid-30's. That's doable right?
So, today the scale is my friend. I'm in a good mood and I'm wearing all smaller clothes. I'm squashing that voice in my head that says, "Yeah, but you still have a lot of toning to do," because although that may be true, I look better than I did 4 1/2 months ago and I FEEL better than I did 4 1/2 months ago. In the end... that beastly electronic torture device and the negative voice in my head can all just go jump off a cliff (without me, of course)... and never come back. I am who I am... I need to let Joy take the reigns for a while. About 50 or so more years would be good don't you think?
Comments
Post a Comment