Day 66 of 84 - The Fear Is Real!
I told my 4 year old this morning, in the car, that we have her kindergarten roundup tonight. "Tonight, Mom?" she asked To which I responded, "Yup, tonight after dinner." Then I hear a little voice in the back seat, "I'm scared, Mom." This is my anxiety ridden little one who has had to fight so much harder than her big sister to understand and adjust to changes throughout her life. In the past, instead of telling me that she's scared, I would have seen her anxiety through her actions - meltdowns, freak outs, screaming, fit pitching, you name it and she's done it. I love that my baby can now, finally, express how she feels in words instead of actions. Her big sister, little stepbrother and I all assured her that she would do great and she would have fun. Afterall, her stepbrother just did his two days ago, at his future school, and had a blast! She put her brave face on and headed off to class, but I have a feeling that I will see a little hesitation from her tonight, just as she will see some from me when I drop her off on her first day! This is a huge step!
After I had settled all three into their respective places at school, I got back in my car and drove the block and a half to where I park for work. My mind started spinning... I know how she feels! I know the fear and anxiety. It kills me that she has to feel the extreme emotions that she does, but she's really learning how to express and understand them instead of just acting out. Meanwhile... Mama just wants to throw a fit. Not over her going to kindergarten, but over everything life has to throw our direction. With everything that has been going on the last month, my hubby and I have said several times that we are ready to cash in our adult cards!!
Like my little peanut, I am finding myself full of anxiety and fear. Tomorrow I go in to the specialist about my PCOS. I will lay everything bare about how this difficult disease affects me daily and pray that he has answers for me. What if he doesn't? What if this is it? What happens if I don't respond to the medicines he suggests or if the array of blood tests shows that we're doing all we can do and I'm just stuck with how things are? There is so much about this disease that makes you horribly self-conscious and leaves you hoping and praying for some cure, or at least a decent treatment. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into a basket for this appointment and I'm really nervous as to what he will have to say.
Monday I see the orthopedic surgeon. Add a whole new level of fear and anxiety. I've had this surgery before. I know how much pain and rehabilitation comes with it. I also know that we are going to look more into why I have constant pain in my hands, hips, knees, shoulders... He believes there is more at play. I agree, but what is it? Do I really want ANOTHER label? Worse than that... what if, like my side pain, they can't give me a reason for it and I have one more mysterious issue. I hate to complain, but when these things start to make it so you can't do the things you love to do, you get frustrated and angry and desperate for ANY reason why. Then there is the surgery and recovery... I'm so thankful for my amazing parents and hubby who I know will help me out as much as possible, but I'm struggling with fears that have nothing to do with daily activities and responsibilities. I'm worried about being completely inactive for so long. Last time I had a surgery I gained 40 pounds in no time flat. I know I won't do that this time... but UGH!!!
So... here we are, lunch and I realize that fears are insane. The more you think about things, the more anxious and worried you can become and the more things you can think of to be worried about. It's a vicious cycle!! So, I did for me what I did for Abby... I reassured myself. Whatever happens at any of these appointments I'll handle it. The surgery will be a good thing overall and soon enough I will not have to deal with pain in my shoulder every day. As for testing and blood work and all that jazz... this is part of getting older right? I'm doing what I can to be healthy and listen to my body. That's all I can do. Professionals will do their part and I will continue to do mine. I'm officially sidelined for most activity, but I still plan to be aware of what I'm eating and keep moving as much as possible until I'm knocked down for a bit. Then I'll get back up, dust off and work to get back to where I want to be. Everything will be fine! I just need to stop letting my mind wander unsupervised!
Anyway... thanks to those who have reached out to me lately to tell me you're reading this stuff and that you can relate. And a huge thank you especially to those who have said I've helped them. I can't tell you how much this blog helps ME! So, I'm glad I can pass the help along. Wish my peanut luck tonight... I'm still reeling at the fact that the past almost-5-years have gone by so quickly. That just tells me that the next few months will fly as well. We always come out just fine on the other side!
After I had settled all three into their respective places at school, I got back in my car and drove the block and a half to where I park for work. My mind started spinning... I know how she feels! I know the fear and anxiety. It kills me that she has to feel the extreme emotions that she does, but she's really learning how to express and understand them instead of just acting out. Meanwhile... Mama just wants to throw a fit. Not over her going to kindergarten, but over everything life has to throw our direction. With everything that has been going on the last month, my hubby and I have said several times that we are ready to cash in our adult cards!!
Like my little peanut, I am finding myself full of anxiety and fear. Tomorrow I go in to the specialist about my PCOS. I will lay everything bare about how this difficult disease affects me daily and pray that he has answers for me. What if he doesn't? What if this is it? What happens if I don't respond to the medicines he suggests or if the array of blood tests shows that we're doing all we can do and I'm just stuck with how things are? There is so much about this disease that makes you horribly self-conscious and leaves you hoping and praying for some cure, or at least a decent treatment. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into a basket for this appointment and I'm really nervous as to what he will have to say.
Monday I see the orthopedic surgeon. Add a whole new level of fear and anxiety. I've had this surgery before. I know how much pain and rehabilitation comes with it. I also know that we are going to look more into why I have constant pain in my hands, hips, knees, shoulders... He believes there is more at play. I agree, but what is it? Do I really want ANOTHER label? Worse than that... what if, like my side pain, they can't give me a reason for it and I have one more mysterious issue. I hate to complain, but when these things start to make it so you can't do the things you love to do, you get frustrated and angry and desperate for ANY reason why. Then there is the surgery and recovery... I'm so thankful for my amazing parents and hubby who I know will help me out as much as possible, but I'm struggling with fears that have nothing to do with daily activities and responsibilities. I'm worried about being completely inactive for so long. Last time I had a surgery I gained 40 pounds in no time flat. I know I won't do that this time... but UGH!!!
So... here we are, lunch and I realize that fears are insane. The more you think about things, the more anxious and worried you can become and the more things you can think of to be worried about. It's a vicious cycle!! So, I did for me what I did for Abby... I reassured myself. Whatever happens at any of these appointments I'll handle it. The surgery will be a good thing overall and soon enough I will not have to deal with pain in my shoulder every day. As for testing and blood work and all that jazz... this is part of getting older right? I'm doing what I can to be healthy and listen to my body. That's all I can do. Professionals will do their part and I will continue to do mine. I'm officially sidelined for most activity, but I still plan to be aware of what I'm eating and keep moving as much as possible until I'm knocked down for a bit. Then I'll get back up, dust off and work to get back to where I want to be. Everything will be fine! I just need to stop letting my mind wander unsupervised!
Anyway... thanks to those who have reached out to me lately to tell me you're reading this stuff and that you can relate. And a huge thank you especially to those who have said I've helped them. I can't tell you how much this blog helps ME! So, I'm glad I can pass the help along. Wish my peanut luck tonight... I'm still reeling at the fact that the past almost-5-years have gone by so quickly. That just tells me that the next few months will fly as well. We always come out just fine on the other side!
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