I'm Struggling...
I've gone back and forth about posting this since I started it, but decided
There, I said it. That's a hard thing for me to admit, but I am. I'm struggling. Not just with food or willpower. I'm struggling all over.
I've been trying to figure out a way to put my thoughts/feelings into words and they continue to elude me. Maybe that's why it's so hard to get out of this slump. If I can't really put a name to what is going on, how do I fix it? Part of it is that so many things seem to be a source of struggle all at once, so I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start.
I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm upset... I don't like how I look. I don't like how I feel in my own body right now. The one bright spot is that I forget some of this from time to time when I get really busy at work. I love my job! Right now, my job is my lifesaver. It's the one place where I feel I'm succeeding.
A friend of mine on Facebook started a post the other day with, "Do you ever feel like you suck at being married?" (I'm paraphrasing, because it was a bit more indepth than that.) And my knee jerk reaction was to respond, "ALL THE TIME!" I feel like I'm failing as a wife, as a mom... I'm failing myself. It's just been a really rough couple of months.
I'm not looking for pity and I'm not wanting to throw myself a party. I'm just hoping that if I'm completely honest with myself that I can figure out the next step. In the past, putting my thoughts on paper has always been a great method of therapy for me. I've written in a journal since grade school. Oh boy are those early journals entertaining! So, I'm not complaining. I'm not trying to say my life is worse than anyone else's and I'm not saying I have it rough. I'm just saying, this is how I feel lately.
Now let me expand. I have an awesome hubby. He stays home with the kids during the summer on his off days. He cleans the house. He takes care of the animals, the vehicles, the lawn, the non-stop kid shuttle bus... and I take him completely for granted far too often. I'm so used to doing things for myself, that at times I feel like he's made me a bit obsolete. Stupid, I know. So many women would kill for a hubby who contributes to the household like he does. Am I just LOOKING for things to complain about? I don't think so, but I worry I come across that way.
You all know we have a blended family. It's hard. So very much harder than I ever though it would be. People assure me that it will get easier. WHEN!?!? I love my kids... all four of them. I truly do. But some days it is so hard to LIKE all of them at once. Horrible parent right???
Let's talk about Abbycakes for a moment. My baby girl is my heart and soul. I mean, look at this kid. How can you not love her?!?
She has overcome so much in her short life when it comes to being a regular, ol, outgoing kid. Her anxieties and fears were a constant source of anxiety for me when she was younger. Now she's older. She's 6 and she's going into 1st grade next month. She's no longer a baby. She's not even a "little kid" anymore. She's a grade schooler. She's a SMART grade schooler. She's also a manipulative, sassy, trying, little beast sometimes. It's often so hard to sort out whether Abbycakes is working the system to get her way, or if something is truly upsetting her. Is she throwing a fit because she's overwhelmed and overloaded, or is she just pissed off that I said no? Emmy Lou was a whiner. I remember it well. I feared we would never get past that stage, but we did. Abbycakes is a whiner... it's an age thing, but there's so much more to it. Thing is... Abbycakes seems to be going backward instead of forward. Her therapist assures me I'm doing everything right. I question her therapist every night when I put her to bed and loose my crap on my kid because she is pushing every button she can push for the last time that day.
I love my girl with all of my heart and soul, but have I made her into a spoiled little brat by catering to all of her needs out of my own fear that they were directly related to her anxieties? I find myself dealing with major mom guilt while they are with their dad for a couple of days and then repeating the cycle again.
I feel like I'm failing her as well as the others by losing my patience and being short with them. When dealing with the drama of a blended family, there are extra demons to fight when you are living with "another woman's children". Bare with me for a moment... I say another woman's children because they spend more time with their mom than their dad and she parents in a completely different way than The Hubby and I do. Plus, he deals with dad guilt, quite similar to my mom guilt, from time to time and much like Abbycakes, Jack Jack and Kenziebug know how to play to their parents' weaknesses. Seriously though, do they teach kids this in school?!?!
Anyway... The Hubby and I don't always see eye to eye with the kids, so we're short with each other. Our time together is very rare, when we used to have an over abundancy of time together. I feel like I'm failing everyone and I find myself withdrawing from it all. I'm not running away, I'm just internalizing and moving on. At some point it's all going to become too much and burst forth with the power of a tsunami and I'm quite afraid of who will be damaged by it.
Don't read that as my family is unsafe, or that I'm unsafe. Everyone is fine and I wouldn't hurt anyone physically. I just know myself and I know if I bottle it up long enough, it all comes out at the absolute wrong moment and I say things to people that I don't truly mean. We all know that once the words are out, we can't take them back, so the cycle begins once again.
Outside of the kids, the hubby and home... I don't really like being around myself right now. I just don't like how I feel in my own skin. I know that a lot of it is the bottled up feelings. On top of that, I am eating my emotions and throwing everything I KNOW I should be doing for my physical and mental health out the window. How is that helping?? It's not. Yet I continue on this self-destructive path.
So, what can be done? How do I stop the cycle, or at least slow it down and find myself again in the thunder of thoughts, concerns and self-doubt rattling around in my head? That's the big question. I honestly don't have the answer today. I'll have to think on it. I have most of the weekend to myself and my goal, beyond editing some pictures and getting out for a couple of runs, is to reflect on myself and my relationships (with everyone) and come up with a plan. I need a plan that works. A plan that I can succeed with. That, right there, is going to be the hardest part of making a plan. I NEED to set myself up for success. First, I need to find out why I *think* I'm failing so badly.
Now I ask my readers out there... have you felt these feelings? Have you been in my shoes? Have you been in one of my shoes? What have YOU done to lift yourself up? What set you on the path to dulling those feelings, or at least hushing the self-doubt rattling on and on incessantly? I'd love to hear from you, if you'd like to share.
For tonight... I'll relax and try to let go of all of the guilt. I hugged my kids and sent them off with their dad after a little spat between the two of us since he feels our 6 year old doesn't need to sit in a booster. *sigh* I worked out some negative energy by going for a run and then karate. Baby steps!
There, I said it. That's a hard thing for me to admit, but I am. I'm struggling. Not just with food or willpower. I'm struggling all over.
I've been trying to figure out a way to put my thoughts/feelings into words and they continue to elude me. Maybe that's why it's so hard to get out of this slump. If I can't really put a name to what is going on, how do I fix it? Part of it is that so many things seem to be a source of struggle all at once, so I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start.
I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm upset... I don't like how I look. I don't like how I feel in my own body right now. The one bright spot is that I forget some of this from time to time when I get really busy at work. I love my job! Right now, my job is my lifesaver. It's the one place where I feel I'm succeeding.
A friend of mine on Facebook started a post the other day with, "Do you ever feel like you suck at being married?" (I'm paraphrasing, because it was a bit more indepth than that.) And my knee jerk reaction was to respond, "ALL THE TIME!" I feel like I'm failing as a wife, as a mom... I'm failing myself. It's just been a really rough couple of months.
I'm not looking for pity and I'm not wanting to throw myself a party. I'm just hoping that if I'm completely honest with myself that I can figure out the next step. In the past, putting my thoughts on paper has always been a great method of therapy for me. I've written in a journal since grade school. Oh boy are those early journals entertaining! So, I'm not complaining. I'm not trying to say my life is worse than anyone else's and I'm not saying I have it rough. I'm just saying, this is how I feel lately.
Now let me expand. I have an awesome hubby. He stays home with the kids during the summer on his off days. He cleans the house. He takes care of the animals, the vehicles, the lawn, the non-stop kid shuttle bus... and I take him completely for granted far too often. I'm so used to doing things for myself, that at times I feel like he's made me a bit obsolete. Stupid, I know. So many women would kill for a hubby who contributes to the household like he does. Am I just LOOKING for things to complain about? I don't think so, but I worry I come across that way.
You all know we have a blended family. It's hard. So very much harder than I ever though it would be. People assure me that it will get easier. WHEN!?!? I love my kids... all four of them. I truly do. But some days it is so hard to LIKE all of them at once. Horrible parent right???
Let's talk about Abbycakes for a moment. My baby girl is my heart and soul. I mean, look at this kid. How can you not love her?!?
She has overcome so much in her short life when it comes to being a regular, ol, outgoing kid. Her anxieties and fears were a constant source of anxiety for me when she was younger. Now she's older. She's 6 and she's going into 1st grade next month. She's no longer a baby. She's not even a "little kid" anymore. She's a grade schooler. She's a SMART grade schooler. She's also a manipulative, sassy, trying, little beast sometimes. It's often so hard to sort out whether Abbycakes is working the system to get her way, or if something is truly upsetting her. Is she throwing a fit because she's overwhelmed and overloaded, or is she just pissed off that I said no? Emmy Lou was a whiner. I remember it well. I feared we would never get past that stage, but we did. Abbycakes is a whiner... it's an age thing, but there's so much more to it. Thing is... Abbycakes seems to be going backward instead of forward. Her therapist assures me I'm doing everything right. I question her therapist every night when I put her to bed and loose my crap on my kid because she is pushing every button she can push for the last time that day.
I love my girl with all of my heart and soul, but have I made her into a spoiled little brat by catering to all of her needs out of my own fear that they were directly related to her anxieties? I find myself dealing with major mom guilt while they are with their dad for a couple of days and then repeating the cycle again.
I feel like I'm failing her as well as the others by losing my patience and being short with them. When dealing with the drama of a blended family, there are extra demons to fight when you are living with "another woman's children". Bare with me for a moment... I say another woman's children because they spend more time with their mom than their dad and she parents in a completely different way than The Hubby and I do. Plus, he deals with dad guilt, quite similar to my mom guilt, from time to time and much like Abbycakes, Jack Jack and Kenziebug know how to play to their parents' weaknesses. Seriously though, do they teach kids this in school?!?!
Anyway... The Hubby and I don't always see eye to eye with the kids, so we're short with each other. Our time together is very rare, when we used to have an over abundancy of time together. I feel like I'm failing everyone and I find myself withdrawing from it all. I'm not running away, I'm just internalizing and moving on. At some point it's all going to become too much and burst forth with the power of a tsunami and I'm quite afraid of who will be damaged by it.
Don't read that as my family is unsafe, or that I'm unsafe. Everyone is fine and I wouldn't hurt anyone physically. I just know myself and I know if I bottle it up long enough, it all comes out at the absolute wrong moment and I say things to people that I don't truly mean. We all know that once the words are out, we can't take them back, so the cycle begins once again.
Outside of the kids, the hubby and home... I don't really like being around myself right now. I just don't like how I feel in my own skin. I know that a lot of it is the bottled up feelings. On top of that, I am eating my emotions and throwing everything I KNOW I should be doing for my physical and mental health out the window. How is that helping?? It's not. Yet I continue on this self-destructive path.
So, what can be done? How do I stop the cycle, or at least slow it down and find myself again in the thunder of thoughts, concerns and self-doubt rattling around in my head? That's the big question. I honestly don't have the answer today. I'll have to think on it. I have most of the weekend to myself and my goal, beyond editing some pictures and getting out for a couple of runs, is to reflect on myself and my relationships (with everyone) and come up with a plan. I need a plan that works. A plan that I can succeed with. That, right there, is going to be the hardest part of making a plan. I NEED to set myself up for success. First, I need to find out why I *think* I'm failing so badly.
Now I ask my readers out there... have you felt these feelings? Have you been in my shoes? Have you been in one of my shoes? What have YOU done to lift yourself up? What set you on the path to dulling those feelings, or at least hushing the self-doubt rattling on and on incessantly? I'd love to hear from you, if you'd like to share.
For tonight... I'll relax and try to let go of all of the guilt. I hugged my kids and sent them off with their dad after a little spat between the two of us since he feels our 6 year old doesn't need to sit in a booster. *sigh* I worked out some negative energy by going for a run and then karate. Baby steps!
Comments
Post a Comment