Mom, I'm Gay

 

 I can't say that with four kids, all with very uniquely different personalities, that I didn't assume one day one of them would announce that they related themselves with the LGBTQ+ community in some way. I just didn't think it would be so soon, or that I would struggle this much.

You see, those movies about kids who come out to their friends or parents don't really show how difficult it is to just flip the switch as a parent. You go from calling your child by the name you gave them at birth, referring to them as a sister or brother, and maybe even having gender-related pet names for them, to suddenly trying to use different pronouns, or names, buying all new clothes, and learning what feels like an all new language!

You have to change everything your body has committed to muscle memory over the past 11 or 12 years to reflect the requests of the child(ren) who seems like a completely new kid, without doing any permanent damage to them in the process.

Those movies also don't tell you how confusing navigating the LGBTQ+ world is. There are so many labels, meanings to things, flags, groups, words... it's a whole new world. I am constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing because I know my child is young and sensitive, but so incredibly brave for being themself. 

And finally,we can't forget about the other children in the household. You aren't just helping the LGBTQ+ child to feel welcome and understood, but you also have to figure out how to help the siblings who are not gay. All this while you are completely unsure of how to move forward without hurting any (or all) of them. The balancing act is insane and I feel like I'm constantly walking a crazy thin tightrope.

The worst part is that I can see how much my child has changed, how much they still hurt as they try to figure themselves out. Then being able to see the anxiety and depression increase as they deal with all of this, but knowing they don't truly know how to talk to you about it... I think THAT is the most painful part. 

And I find myself wondering if this is just a phase. Middle school is hard. Fitting in is hard. Social media makes it even harder. If they change their mind down the road, that's fine. If they don't, I'm okay with that too. What is breaking me is that they are hurting and even feeling like other people in the extended family hate them because they are different and don't understand them. Even when I assure this child that they are loved and perfect, and no one thinks any different, I can see the hesitance to believe this truth. Ahhhh, the thoughts of a preteen. 

Life as a middle schooler is hard. Life as a gay middle schooler, who is going through puberty, has a boat load of baggage, and has always been a bit "different" isn't just hard. I'm not sure there's even a word for that. And I worry!! 

I worry that I'm not doing enough. That I'll never say the right words when I'm supposed to. That I will say something that I don't even know hurts them to the point where they carry it around with them for months or years. I'm so afraid of doing this wrong!!! Parenting is hard, but this is a level of the parenting game that I wasn't nearly as prepared for as I once thought I was.

Do I care that my child came out to me as gay at 11 years old. Nope! I support them and their decisions. My husband and I have always told the kids that. As long as whoever they end up with treats them like the special person they are, then we are happy with whoever they become. But then, I didn't expect to hurt and grieve like this. 

My child was born female. This beautiful little bundle of pink, with olive skin and dark curly hair. She was her big sister's favorite person in the whole world! They had divorced parents, so they were always each other's constants. She would beg to play with her big sister. They would play dress up and wear all of their princess dresses and play jewelry, or play house with all of the baby dolls (oh so many baby dolls). 

She grew into a very stubborn, strong-willed toddler and young child with long dark lashes, beautiful bright eyes, a dimple, and a way to make everyone around her succumb to her demands with a simple smile. Her #1 goal in life was to be just like her big sister. She followed her everywhere, wanted to do everything she did, and if she couldn't, oh, would we all hear about it!

She had crushes on boys in grade school, had girls who were her best friends, went to sleep overs, dances, and loved to dress up for Halloween. She also loved playing with makeup and nail polish every chance she got!

But only those who were close to her knew the things she had to battle from infancy up. At 6 months old she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and started PT & OT with Birth to 3. This meant that therapists would come to our house and work with her multiple times a week. She crawled later than most, and didn't take her first steps until she was 16 months old. Busy, high sensory places like Walmart and restaurants were a massive struggle for her.

By three she was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and by grade school we could all see that the anxiety had a nasty little partner, depression, on top of her SPD. I felt like I was failing her. She slept like a newborn until she was almost 4, waking every hour or two. And sleep has been a struggle ever since. 

During the pandemic we saw this kid find their stride, so that by the time they entered middle school it was clear they had a style and a personality that was unlike any others, and they wouldn't be swayed from being themselves.

School started in September and by October 11th, World Coming Out Day, my sweet little "girl" told me, their sister, and their stepdad that they were gay. We said okay, we love you no matter what, and went on with a kid who was so much happier to not have to hide a part of themself. 

But since then, we've seen struggles with friendships, issues with friend groups, and a massive change in the child who came out to us in October versus the one standing in front of us less than 6 months later. It was clear that hormones were a factor, as were their other health issues, but the happy-go-lucky kid we had at the beginning of the school year was now not just a moody preteen, but one that was clearly, extremely depressed.

They confided in me that they don't know what they truly are... bisexual, pansexual, nonbinary, or something else. I have stressed that at 11 you don't have to have a label to define you. You are YOU and you are UNIQUE and SPECIAL. But, I'm mom and they are still a preteen, so well, I hope it got through. But they will still continue to see their therapist for all of those feelings and thoughts inside that they need to share somewhere.

In the meantime, I try to remember to use the right pronouns, to not say, "okay Little Miss" like I have for oh so many years when I walk into their room to tell them to get ready for bed, and I try to keep the lines of communication open. I'm so beyond proud of the young person they are today, I just feel like I let them down on a daily basis by not knowing how I'm supposed to react to things, or if I'm supposed to know other things. 

It's almost like someone handed me a newborn again, except this newborn comes with a whole different set of rules and expectations than my first newborn. I'll give them one thing... they have always been one to keep me on my toes and to always march to their own drum. And no matter how hard it is for me sometimes, I know it's 100x harder on them. I love them as much now as I did 1, 2, 11 years ago... maybe even more!