September is Pain Awareness Month!

 

Some of you who saw me at the Pride event on Monday, at Barker's Island, may have seen me with a fancy little accessory. I am begrudgingly beginning to take a cane with me to events where I know I will have to be on my feet and walking a lot.

Some days (they are getting fewer and farther between) I can walk for hours and hours with no issues. Other days, I need a cart to grocery shop. Not because I plan to buy that much, but because I need it for support. Then there are days where putting one foot in front of the other seems like the hardest thing I've ever done!

So, today I share my day with all of you, to help you understand a day in the life of someone with chronic pain. Fair warning, this is a long one, but I felt I needed to share it.

A Day with Chronic Pain 

It is currently 9:20pm on a Wednesday night. If you know me well, you know I am 100% a night owl. I loathe mornings and often don’t fall asleep before 1:30am. So, for me to be in bed before 10:30pm is crazy in itself. But I waived my white flag at about 8:00pm tonight and started my nightly routine. Shower, pj’s, nighttime face routine, final chats with the kids, forget the thing I went upstairs to get at least 3x, and finally climb into bed with a groan.

Tonight I would rate my pain a solid 8.5 out of 10 and it’s frustrating! But let’s back up just a touch and I’ll tell you about my day…

I was up at 6:30am, limped to the bathroom and then limped back to my bedroom - which are about 15 feet apart - because my body is already saying, “Nope, not today, Sweetheart!” But it’s only the second day of classes for my advisees (I’m a college academic advisor during the day) and there is no way I can NOT be there. None! So, I stretch as much as I can and get dressed. Putting on my socks I realize that my feet are SO. FAR. AWAY. UGH! Grunting as I try to lift my leg to cross my foot over my other leg, I start my Lamaze breathing (something I NEVER did in labor by the way), but breathe through the pain, right? 

I finally have myself put together and head upstairs to make sure everyone else is up. I see two smiling faces and get a grunt from the teen, so I consider that good enough. Time to brush my teeth and do my hair and makeup. Double UGH! I lean on my forearms onto the counter in front of the sink and sag into them to take some of the pressure off of my back and legs. It’s going to be a FUN day! I have to sit twice between brushing my teeth and finishing my makeup. 

I grab whatever I can remember that I need, and the two children I’m dropping off at school, and out the door we go. CRAP!! I forgot my (fill in the blank because there is seldom a day I don’t have to go back inside to get something I forgot before leaving the driveway). Off we go. 

Dunkin stop for tea, and donuts for the short people in the backseat… CHECK!

Safely drop both middle schoolers off with a “have a great day”… CHECK!

Get to work early enough to park in the main parking lot… HECK YEAH!! (I purposely leave insanely early to assure I do not have to park in the lower lots because I know it will lead to a very rough start to my day in the office.)

Oh, and I counted how many stoplights I was stuck at on the way to work, with the odds not in my favor after hitting 5 out of 9 red lights. But, I made it in one piece and just have to get to my office. I take the elevator because three flights of stairs sounds like the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest right now. I’ve accepted that I am now an elevator-rider-person and I’m okay with that. Going down them is tricky enough!

I get to my office and realize… SHIT! Where are my keys??? I have not one, but two lanyards and two carabiners on the key ring with my whopping two keys, but honestly, it helps me keep track of them… most of the time! Dammit, now I have to haul my butt down to facilities to sign for the spare key… AGAIN! Yes, this has happened more than once or twice. I’ll admit it.

Once I’m finally inside my office I flop into my office chair and start my “breathe through the pain” routine. It was a long walk down the hallway to another hallway and back. I hate my body!!! Yesterday I wore my tennis shoes because I knew I couldn’t hack it in work shoes, but I took the risk today. Poor decision - and they are good shoes, a pair of Born’s, but I digress. 

Students email me nonstop all day, or stop in my office for help changing their schedule, or their minor, or whatever their little hearts need. Did I mention it’s only the second day of school?? Anxiety is almost a tangible thing in the building this week, but they’ll settle in soon. I, however, was trying every trick I could think of to keep my forehead from bouncing off of my keyboard! My head felt like it solidly weighed at least 50 pounds, all day! It took extra effort to hold it up. And even more effort to stay awake. I was so tired!!

So, I check my app, because you see… my docs have a theory that I have sleep apnea and that’s why I’m so flipping tired. Report from the app says, “Hey lady, you slept like poo last night and I bet you’re feeling it!” Ha! You’re telling me. I just want to close my eyes for a minute, I swear… I don’t dare play that game. Meanwhile, my hands are acting like spoiled little 3 year olds and don’t want to hold the pen I am trying to write with, or type the letters I’m saying in my head. They hurt… a deep ache, and my wrist is joining the party. WOOHOO!

By about 12:30 I’ve gone from exhausted to so very irritable and exhausted! Every email I’m reading is triggering me more and more. I finally slam my hands on my desk and decide that it’s a very ideal time to get up and move, maybe actually eat lunch outside of my office. My entire body freaks out as I stand up! Owww!! F&@#!!! Dammit, that… *pop* *crack* Son of a… *deep breath* Time for my audiobook! I’ve learned that they are a great distraction from the pain since I have to focus and listen.

Lunch did the trick, I’m feeling a little more personable after lunch. A few students stop by for some help, which keeps my brain entertained so I am not focusing on the fact that my right butt cheek is claiming that it has been stabbed with a long, serrated knife. No worries, my back assured it that there was no knife, just some small person with pointy, steel-toed boots kicking them over and over again. Gotta move again!

My goal is to get at least 6,000 steps every day, and most days that is a major struggle, so I force myself to get up and walk around every chance I get just so I don’t get too stiff. But that’s a double-edged sword because moving hurts, but sitting still hurts, so… yeah!

Quitting time finally came! YAY!! Down the three flights of stairs I go… people go around me because I don’t do stairs super fast for fear my leg will give out and I will tumble down them like a freaking boulder, taking out everyone in my path. Yes, I have vividly pictured this scenario many, MANY times. Out the door I go and by the time I get my car (not even 50 yards away from the door) I am hobbling and grunting, and trying to breathe through the pain. Did I mention I used to run half marathons??? Now I can’t even walk half of a football field without wanting to sit down and cry. More audiobook!! It does the trick.

I head home, but realize on the way that I have to stop at the grocery store. Noooooo!!! I hate shopping! But, since my hubby is at work, I can’t avoid it. It takes me 30 minutes to get through the store, grab the few things I came for, and say a huge thank you to the cart for being there for me to lean on. Get home and grab all of the bags at once, because to hell if I’m going to make the trip back out to the vehicle to get the rest of them!

My 15-year-old is in the kitchen as soon as she hears me set down the bags (someone was starving) and I convince her to prep dinner while I lay down on the bench of the dining room table to stretch my back out and listen to her give me a play-by-play of her day. I have to admit, I enjoy these talks immensely. Once we get dinner on the grill we decide to chill in the hammock chairs in the garage. OMG the feeling when I finally got comfortable in my chair! My back was singing to the angels, “Hallelujah!!” But although it felt good, it was still painful!

Dinner is done, eaten, and it’s cleanup time! Kids clean up their part and one cleans up the grill, while I pick up the kitchen. Less than five minutes later I’m doubled over in pain, trying to take some pressure off by leaning on the counter. The pain is solidly radiating into my legs and my stomach is not pleased with the current situation. Excuse me, this much pain on a full stomach is less than appreciated. UGH! Yeah, it punished me. But then they say that GI issues are pretty common in people with chronic pain issues, there’s a whole scientific reason that I’m not going to try to explain right now, but they often go hand in hand.

I finally decide to take a shower and realize that I forgot my phone on the couch. I walk into the hallway and ask the kid to toss me my phone. Umm… bad throw + bad catch = WTF were you thinking woman?!? The phone hits the base of the toenail on my big toe and I instantly feel sick to my stomach! See, the fun little side note to some chronic pain issues is that once you’re at max capacity for pain input, your body overreacts to the slightest pains. I thought she chopped my damn toe off. Sure felt like she did. 

Figuring I’d better shower and get in bed before something else happens to me, I shower as fast as I can, because let’s face it… standing in the shower for too long is not an easy task these days. I’ve been known to sit down during them when it gets too hard, but getting up is not easy either so…. Hi, I’m 42 going on 83. *sigh* 

I finally say goodnight to everyone and head downstairs only to realize I forgot my bag. Up I go, where I find my watch and realize I forgot to turn the tv off in the garage. Back downstairs… SHIT the bag! Up I go, where I empty my work lunch bag (oops) and start to head back downstairs, but this time I caught myself… BAG! You came for the forking bag, woman!!!!

All of that, from the shower to me starting this post took A FREAKING HOUR!!! And I climbed in bed with tears in my eyes. I made it through another day, but damn I’m sick of this pain. Today was a medium-high pain day. Could it be because I pushed myself this weekend, a bit more than I should have? Maybe. Could it be because the weather is changing and the pressures are clearly fluctuating? Possibly. Will I ever have an absolute black and white answer? Nope! 

My toe is still throbbing, pain working it’s way up into the top of my foot and my arch, because… why not?? My back feels like I am plugged into a short-circuiting neon sign that is zapping me each time it flashes. That’s the thing… the pain changes! I love the question, “What type of pain is it?” Ummm… painful pain??? Because sometimes it’s shooting pain, sometimes it’s searing, others it’s throbbing like a toothache, or zapping like electricity bolts are going through me… It’s a moody bitch that can’t decide what it wants to be, honestly. And I’m just along for the bumpy ride.

But that’s a day in the life. I miss the old me every single day. I miss being active and energetic. I miss being able to do fun, busy, exciting things with my kids. I miss playing sports and going out more regularly. I miss feeling attractive and strong. This is not me and I struggle every day with the mental and emotion aspects of being in pain 24/7. But then I also force myself to look for the silver linings.

For example, today marks two days in a row without a headache or migraine. That’s huge! Maybe the 31 injections of Botox I got in my head last week are starting to work?? Man I hope so! But I also won’t get my hopes up. Or how about the fact that the day after tomorrow I get to have another round of back injections. At least the numbing agent gives me some temporary relief. Then we wait to see if this new treatment works, since the last three have not and I have had well over 20 injections in my back in the past 6-8 months. 

I will never give up. And I will try to bring as much awareness to chronic pain this month as I can. Especially since four out of six of us in this house suffer from some degree of chronic pain, or have a medical issue (or 2 or 12) that include chronic pain and you would never know it by looking at us. The more educated that people are, the more accepting and understanding we can be as a community and social culture to not judge others, because you never know what’s going on inside their bodies.

Goodnight all!