Return of The Mama

 It’s been a hot minute since I last posted here. Initially, the plan was to move the blog to a new home and sail off into the sunset. Plans changed! Honestly, I’m not sure if I will even publish this, or share it, or whatever. I’m back here because I need an old friend… my journal (in the form of a blog)

I started keeping a journal when I was 11 or 12 years old and in the 6th grade. I have several spiral notebooks full of old memories: young crushes, my first date, my first kiss, heartbreak, loss, anger, pain, and so much more. I actually went through them last summer and read all of the ones from my school years - from 6th grade into college. I stopped when I got to the ones with my ex. I wasn’t ready to face all of that.

So, that’s why I’m back. I need to have a place to write without feeling like I have to appeal to an audience. I just want to empty my head a bit and maybe share some of my burdens with this little, white screen.

Two main topics have brought me back here now, today… my frustration and anger at myself for letting my weight get so out of hand again, ultimately making things even harder to deal with pain and health-wise, and treading uncertain territory in Momville. I’m still trying to figure out the best way to write about the second reason, so I’ll start with the first.

The picture on the right hit me hard today. It’s from ONE YEAR AGO today. One freaking year!!! What the hell?!? The picture on the left is of me, today, in my office. What in the actual hell happened???

I know, go ahead and say it… “You know what happened!”

I do, but yet, I don’t. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. Let me back up just a bit.

Last February I had my physical. I was so frustrated, hurt, and upset after that physical and I reacted very poorly to it. 

It’s no secret that I have been battling chronic pain, fatigue, migraines, and so many other things, for many years now. I can honestly say that it truly started to affect me in 2012, but I had pain and surgeries well before that too. That’s not important though.

Last year, I was talking to my doc about all of my frustrations and anger over what my body would no longer allow me to do without extreme pain. I was once an athlete. I love sports and being active. But it hurt just to go grocery shopping. Exercise was almost impossible, but I was still trying!!

I had had some labs done, including my cholesterol and we were talking about those results. I felt like I had been slapped across the face when my doc told me I had high cholesterol. I was eating well, was maintaining a weight I hadn’t seen for 17 years, (I was about 185 at the time, maintaining in the 180s) and her response was to tell me, “You need to be more active.” I cried all the way home after that appointment. And then I vented to my hubby.

I’m not proud of my actions in the months to follow. Within a month I put on 10 pounds. I brushed it off telling myself I could drop almost all 10 pounds in a week once I got back to my better habits. By May I had gained another 10 pounds, but still managed to brush it off with a “it’ll come off easy when I’m ready.” 

Six month after my appointment I was officially 30+ pounds heavier than I was the day the doc gave me my lab results. I was turning 42 in a body I was beginning to hate more and more as the days went on. I hurt all the time, my headaches/migraines were out of control, and now my clothes were too tight. I told myself I needed to cut the bad habits once again.

The problem with bad habits is that they are easier to start than they are to quit! Here I sit, another six months have gone by, and I have gained a total of 50 pounds in just over a year. How is that even possible?!?! Why can’t I turn things around? Why is it so hard to go back to the way things were the first time I lost all of the weight?

I’ll tell you why… because old habits die hard. I’ve tried, I swear I have. But within a week (or less) I get angry and fall back on comfort foods. I’m treating my pain with chocolate and French fries, even though I know it is so very wrong.

I’m angry… I’m angry that I can’t run anymore. I’m angry that I can’t even walk! I’m angry that a day of deep cleaning, or rearranging a room or two in my house causes me pain so intense it takes my breath away to move for the next two or three days! I’m angry that I can’t, or won’t, say no to things I know are hurting instead of helping. I’m angry that at 42 I have to say no to so many things I used to love because my body sucks!! I’m angry that it’s near impossible for others to understand the pain. I’m just angry!! And I HATE being angry. 

I miss the happy me. I miss the me that was living her best life and enjoying every minute of it. I miss the me who loved to drop everything just to enjoy a mini adventure. I miss the me that fit into jeans without looking like a roll of biscuit dough that was left out in and sun, only to pop open and spill over the edge. I miss the me that didn’t get winded climbing three sets of stairs. I miss the me that didn’t have to tell her kids, “I’m sorry, I can’t, I hurt too much.” or “it will depend on how I feel then.” I miss the me I worked so damn hard to find 10 years ago. I miss… I just miss so much.

I can’t stand to look at pictures of myself from a year, or two, or three ago. It hurts to see what I wasted, what I threw away. It hurts to see that happy light, those bright eyes, and that big smile because I know I’m the only one to blame for it being gone now.

So, now what?? I’ve tried over and over and over to change, to get back to where I was, or even to create a new happy. I realized, I don’t know HOW. I’m not the same person I was in 2012. I’m not even the same person I was in 2019. I don’t recognize the person I am right now, but I know I don’t like her. She’s weak, sad, fat, angry… all of the things I thought I had successfully left behind years ago.

I know, start with therapy. But when? How? The appointments are already endless between myself and both girls. Where do I find the time to go to a therapist? I have already been avoiding my weight loss doc like the plague. Pretty counterproductive don’t you think?? I’m just too afraid to go back and see the disappointment on his face. We were already running out of options for me to try when I was seeing him regularly and unable to lose the last 20 pounds I had to lose. Now… if I go back now I go in weighing 20+ pounds over the highest I was when I first started seeing him. I… I just can’t. I can’t face another doctor only to see the pity and disappointment and hear what I already know… I need to eat better and be more active. It’s that easy. *sigh*

Yup… it’s just THAT easy. I once thought it was too.