Hello Spring... I Need to Spring Clean My Funk

It's hard to believe that it's finally spring! Maybe that's because it's only been in the 20s (feels like temp) for the past two days of spring. *sigh* Eventually spring will make it to the Northland. I'll just pray for no more snowstorms at least.

So far, I have to say it hasn't been as horrible as it could be. Maybe we'll get a slight break since winter started before Halloween this year! We will see! In the meantime, I've gotten out for a couple of outdoor runs already this season. WOOHOO!!

As you can see, half marathon training has officially begun. I'll be honest, I haven't been as die hard as I should be and I'm struggling to find motivation. That's honestly been my story for a solid two months now, though. Last weekend was the first awesome run on the season and it helped ramp up my excitement for the half marathon a bit more. This weekend marks 12 weeks until race day, so I had better find some more motivation somewhere though, or it's going to be a long, painful race!

I'm sure you all can already figure out the story of my long absence from this blog. You know how it goes, my mom taught me that when I don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's pretty much where I've been since January, with a couple of forced posts in between. Seriously though, that's only part of it. The rest is that life is just a crap show lately... and not in a 100% bad way either. 

School rocked my world a little bit. It took me a bit to figure out why it's so different this time around, when I felt like I did just fine when I was in class last spring and summer. I got a reality check the week before spring break and figured it out. My job, at work, pretty much doubled last summer and I'm finally feeling the full effects of it since this is a crazy busy time of the year for both of the programs I now assist. My brain is fried by the end of the day. Then we were playing tag-team parenting with one kid in hockey and three in karate. The Hubby and I finally accepted the fact that we needed to cut something out, so we stopped going to adult karate classes while things were crazy busy.

I'll admit, that was a really hard, forced decision. Personally, with school and homework I just didn't have the extra time to dedicate to karate or muay thai classes in the evenings without feeling like I was neglecting the kids - who also had plenty of homework, tests to study for, and why do they always have to eat?!?! Kidding of course! We just had too many pots on the fire and something needed to give. Giving up class also meant accepting the fact that I would go a second quarter without testing for a belt or sash. UGH! Truth is, my heart just wasn't entirely in it either. The funk had hit!

So, here we are... Last week was the start of a new quarter at the dojo. While I haven't made a karate class yet, I did make it to a few karate weekend classes before the test, which meant three hours of karate on a Saturday morning/afternoon. It felt AMAZING! This week I finally made it back to a muay thai class for the first time in far too long too. I've missed it... not just the class, but the people. Plus, it was back to basics for me. "Gloves up!" was the ongoing mantra of the evening.

So, while I'm slowly getting my activity back on track, the rest still needs work. The mental, emotional and a bit more of the physical. After my January weigh in with my doctor, I gained 13 pounds almost instantly. In two months I have played the yo-yo game with most of that weight, struggling to get the gain back under 10. The scale isn't the only struggle. My clothes don't fit the same as they did and so much of the pain has come back to attack me. To say I'm frustrated is an extreme understatement.

On the pain front... I did finally get a referral to Rheumatology. While that doc confirmed arthritis in several of my joints (including places I wasn't aware of until he was poking and prodding), more testing came back with the same answer as every other doctor... All of my tests are normal. This doc gave me medicine for the arthritis and felt is should start working in about six weeks. We're going on five and it's worse. Unfortunately, not only has it not helped the pain I had when I went to my appointment last month, but my collarbone and side pain are both back too. Could it be food related???

This is just one of many questions to have with my doc tomorrow. I finally sucked it up and made an appointment to see my doc and face the music. It's going to suck to step on that scale, but this is reality. Things don't always go the right away. I hate that I feel weak. I hate that I feel like a failure. I hate that I couldn't stay on track and do what I know I need to do. Most of all, I hate that my self esteem has tanked and I can't seem to get it back up.

There's that funk I was talking about. I need to find a way over it, through it, past it, whatever. I just know I don't want to live here. I don't like this. This is NOT me and I need to find a way to get back to the me I know I can be. This isn't about being positive and putting on a brave face because I'm updating here. This is the honest truth. I'm struggling and I have been for a while. I don't like how I feel, I don't like how I think, I don't like who I am right now. Most of all, I don't like that I'm finding it so hard to do something about it. So, it's time to ask for help. I hope he can help. I don't need a magic bean or a super shake.... I just want some understanding and some guidance on where to go from here. Because, frankly, here sucks ass!

It's time to do a little spring cleaning and clean out this funk!