Finding The Quiet

Could it be? Could I finally be finding my stride again? Forgive me for not wanting to get too excited, but I'm on day two... IN. A. ROW. Day two of behaving myself and feeling like I have some sort of control over myself once again. I hate feeling out of control and I have been taking steps to find that control again. It's still new and I'm still waiting for something to go horribly wrong.

Those who have never traveled this path would probably read this and think, or say, "Oh get over it! It's food. You eat it, or you don't eat it. It's 100% your choice what you put in your mouth." Those who have dealt with food issues, or a poor relationship with food see it differently.

Yes, it's my choice to eat what I eat. Unfortunately, some of us do not come with the same amount of willpower in the same areas. Some days I have better control than others. Some days I'm a hot mess and don't give a crap... those are not good days! Every one has bad days, it's just that some people are wired to clean vigorously when they have a bad day, or write, or run, or sleep... some eat. I eat.

I've always laughed at memes like these:

I don't just laugh, I AGREE with them! I can relate to them. All of them!

I know that some of the things that go through my head, or even out of my mouth, after I eat are not healthy thoughts and comments. Somehow, even after months of feeling in control, I can always relate to these types of thoughts or comments.

You know that little voice in your head? Mine is famous for things like, "Hey, let's grab some McD's french fries on the way home tonight. You've been so good, you deserve a treat. It's been forever since you've had fries, this one time won't kill you." It is also responsible for the fear I have about failing right away, again, and it's hard to quiet that voice down!

Today, saying I'm back on track feels great. To say that this is day two of making a conscious effort to behave myself and be active feels amazing! Do you want to know what that little voice is saying right now?

"Two days?? Big deal!" "You've said it all before."

"It's only a matter of time before you suck it up again!"

 "Don't worry, you'll cave soon enough." 

"Hey, there are donut holes in the next office!" 

*sigh* 

Let me tell you something about that voice... it sucks! There are days when it wins and there are days when it loses. There are days when I can drown it out and go about my business. There are days when it is so loud that it gets almost all of my attention. Let's face it, there are days when I've thought maybe I could just keep eating and drown it out with the sounds of my chewing. (Spoiler Alert! That didn't work!) Really, I find that the longer I stick to my guns, the more confident I feel about ignoring it. The more positive I am, the less that little voice's comments actually get through to me.

There are days when I feel so guilty about my choices - of what I ate, what I did, what I didn't do, what I said, what I didn't say... that the little voice starts to break down my walls. I choose to believe that's normal. I choose to believe that everyone has that voice - sometimes it's louder and sometimes it's quieter. My little voice never says things that would worry others or make me think about hurting myself. It just knows how to kick me while I'm down.

So, I think I'm going to invite my little voice to join me. I want it to stick around and watch me... To challenge me. I need it. If this was easy, it wouldn't be worth it, right? My mom taught me when I was a kid that it is entirely my choice whether I want to listen to what people say about me. It is my choice to stand up to bullies or back down. It is 100% my choice to wallow in self pity and give that voice the microphone, or to tell it to shut up, sit down and enjoy the show. It's my choice.

Today, my choice is to shut it down and prove it wrong. I CAN do this. Today is a good day. I will be successful today and I will meet my goals. I will take it one day at a time, because I'm most successful when I focus on today.

I'm working on finding the quiet and regaining control and there are two new things that I am working with. As recommended by my doctor, I'm trying meditation for the first time. I'm not a "slow it down and sit still for an hour at a time" kind of person, but so far I'm up to 5 minute sessions and ready to try 10 minutes. I'm also working with voice guided runs. On the same path, these audio sessions are helping me to get out of my head, block out that little voice, and focus on myself right then and there. I'm kind of surprised, but I'm truly enjoying them!

I know another major player in my attitude of late is pain, but I know that pain will probably always be a part of my life. If I fall apart every time I get frustrated about it I'm always going to live in this jumbled area in my head that is happy, but angry, yet guilty, and frustrated... I need peace, I need quiet, and I need to find a way to work with and KEEP the good health I have.

Have I rambled enough? Apparently, it was time to get it all off of my chest.

I'm ready! Ready to make some changes, ready to find that quiet, ready to regain control, ready to push myself. I'm ready to forgive the past few months and focus on now. I'm ready to stop feeling jumbled. Peace... I'm ready to find peace.

Don't get me wrong... I'm happy. I have a fantastic life, beautiful kids, an amazing husband, and I couldn't be more blessed with everyone and everything I have in my life. I need to focus on appreciating it and making the most out of it. I don't like the self-pity or wallowing mama. I don't like funks. I see pictures of me three or four months ago and I miss that bright smile. I'm chasing that! I want that!